No, not just a lame movie with Mel Gibson, Julia Roberts, government cover-ups, mind control, and silent helicopters (I know it actually sounds cool but trust me not so much).  I am talking about the recent rumblings from certain people that the current NBA Playoffs are NOT on the level.  Sure, these loonies (or “truth” tellers as they call themselves) also believe that we have landed on the moon and that the Iraq war was a deliberately concocted scheme designed to profit friends and lobbyists.  Craziness, I know.  But what if…    

So let’s get that paranoia feeling flowing and channel our best Oliver Stone impersonations as we take a look at the NBA: Conspiracy Style. 

Some would have you believe that this all started way back in the off-season.  Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen surreptitiously arrived in Bean Town suddenly and dramatically reviving one of the classic basketball powerhouses in NBA History.  Oh, and also a historically strong television ratings team.  Hmmm.  Next comes the mid-season steal, I mean deal, that sent Pau Gasol to the Los Angeles Lakers for Kwame Brown.  Again, some might say this was a lop-sided trade.  I would argue however that Kwame is great at (not) catching the ball.  Just a thought. 

And so we have two classic big market teams rising to the top seeds in both the East and the West after arguably two of the most one-sided trades in recent NBA memory.  A positive for the League one might think.  Conspiracy theorists are rolling. 

 Fast forward on to the playoffs.  The Celtics have struggled but continue to hold home court and are 1 game away from grabbing a spot in the Eastern Conference Finals.  The Lakers on the other side are also 1 game away from punching their ticket into the Finals of the Western Conference.  In the most recent game 5 of the Lakers/Jazz series there was a controversial no-call on Pau Gasol’s offensive rebound and dunk over Mehmet Okur late in the 4^th Quarter.  Conspiracy or flop? 

Let’s take a look at the fouls.  In the Lakers/Jazz series, the Lakers through 5 games have 123 fouls compared to the 149 fouls called on the Jazz.  That equates to 25 per game for the Lakers versus 30 per game for the Jazz.  If you look at the regular season numbers, the Lakers averaged 21 fouls per game and the Jazz averaged 24 fouls per game.  The Jazz do happen to foul the most out of any team in the League during the regular season.  The difference between the two in the series taking into account the regular season average is plus or minus 2 fouls; not much support for the conspiracy theorists here. 

Looking at the other series in the Playoffs, you have teams like the Spurs (one game away from getting into the Western Finals) and the Pistons (already into the Eastern Finals now for the 6^th straight season) that do NOT bring big television audiences and yet they continue to win.  Yet another knock against the conspiracy proponents. 

And now we even have players becoming “believers”.  Chris Paul said to the score’s table during last night’s blowout to the Spurs “It’s almost like someone called them (the refs) up at halftime and said ‘let them boys win’”.  Interesting comment CP3, and even more intriguing is his country slang.  Makes me wonder if he had a straw cowboy hat on chewing some tobacca while he made that comment.     

Of course, the whole Tim Donaghy thing this past summer surely doesn’t help the non-conspiracy group.  But think about the level of complexity involved in rigging a game.  There are so many moving pieces in a basketball contest.  The game has to play out a certain way for the refs to even have the opportunity to decide it.  And gross discrepancies in calls or “phantom” calls just don’t happen out there.  The only level of conspiracy I could accept would possibly be one ref being instructed that if the game is close and there is a 50/50 call then they make it based on the team with the higher TV ratings.  I could maybe see something like that happening.  But I just don’t buy it.    

The fallout from a collusion strategy such as this one would be astronomic.  The risks far outweigh the rewards because IF the NBA was to get caught trying to influence the outcomes then there would be great damage to the brand and the viewership.  Greater I believe than the positive results of a higher televised series one year where no Detroit and no San Antonio appear in the Finals.  But that’s just my opinion.  I’m sure if my team gets knocked out then I too might jump at conspiracy theories to explain it.      

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I completely agree with Wagner. New York teams in particular are paid high enough salaries to give back us to peasant-folk every once and a while with a few sound bites. David Wright is obviously a golden god and perfect in every way, which explains his readiness and availability to reporters, but what’s the story with Wagner? He’s a bit older, seasoned, experienced and obviously developing into somewhat of a leader on the team… but why would a seemingly level-headed New York relief pitcher ever give a televised interview in a Patriots hat?

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The San Jose Sharks lost in the playoffs the Dallas Stars. Every year this team looks like a favorite to win the Stanley Cup, and every year they fail miserably. Its kind of like watching Indiana Jones trying to grab the grail, and just falling short. The real issue is lack of a distinct home ice advantage. What better way to counter the Detroit Red Wings and their octopi then playing games on a floating rink in the San Francisco Bay, with players getting checked into the (supposedly) shark infested waters. Players get to sit in a cramped Alcatraz jail cell instead of the cushy penalty box, and instead of two minutes, they are there for 25 to life.

The San Francisco Giants started the season 0-6, got “hot” and went 12-10, and have stumbled to a record of 5-9 since. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as Barry Zito has changed his game entirely, finally realizing that giving up five runs in the first to his first start without a loss. Granted a no-decision performance is not the same as a win, but at least it means he can shed himself of the scapegoat title for at least one game this season. Rumor has it that if he didn’t show any improvement after his hiatus from the stating rotation he was going to be demoted to peanut vendor to practice his control. Maybe the team will celebrate Independence Day by declaring their independence from a lot of the overpriced driftwood they fished out of McCovey Cove.

The San Francisco 49ers did the worst thing possible a team could do in the NFL draft. Instead of picking the over hyped, definite bust players like they have done in past drafts, they chose to pick up a solid core of players that will develop together and carry this team for a long time. How are they expecting to sell a ton of jerseys with the top two picks being interior linemen? Mike Martz is having an Alex Smith lovefest, saying he is the best professional quarterback Martz has ever coached. Now that the California Supreme Court has ruled gay marriage legal, who says this relationship has to be limited to the playing field? Big things are coming the 49ers way this season, and no, that is not a sexual reference.

The Golden State Warriors are sitting at home again, this time missing the playoffs completely after losing in last year’s second round. Baron Davis, undoubtedly the face of the franchise, is probably going to opt out of his contract and become an unrestricted free agent on July 1st. Losing Davis would hurt the team, the fan base, and above all, the Bay Area’s beard grooming industry. On the bright side, Monta Ellis is quickly developing into one of the most electric players in the entire NBA. This guy is so fast and smooth, he can take the pass, drive down the court, hit on Jessica Alba in the front row, and still beat any defender to the basket. Watching this team play is like watching a live action version of speed racer, only without consuming massive amounts of drugs (though medical marijuana is acceptable).

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The basic situations is you spend X amount of years rooting against a guy. You yell things at him as if he had just stolen your car… right after he burned your house down… right after he slept with your sister. You wish that he would be in some sort of accident. It’s nothing that would kill him, but something that would make him unable to throw a baseball or swing a bat (I generally root for mononucleosis).

And then, just like that, your team makes a move and you’re supposed to root for this guy.

I’m not entirely sure if I hate the Cubs signing of Jim Edmonds or if my mind is just rejecting the idea because it has been programmed to think Edmonds is a complete jerk for the better part of the last seven or eight years.

If we take a somewhat scientific look at this deal, there are both pros and cons.

Pro: He’s not really costing the Cubs any money.

Con: The last time I saw Edmonds trying to get up after diving for a ball in the outfield, I thought he’d been shot.

Pro: He can’t be any worse than Felix Pie, another "five-tool" prospect who can’t seem to figure out how to use his "tools" to make a bat hit a ball.

Con: Edmonds started his major league career with the California Angels. Just think about that for a second. Somewhere, there’s an 11-year-old kid saying, "I can’t believe the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim weren’t always from Los Angeles Anaheim!" (In related news, this kid is also repeating the 5th grade because he thinks "Los Angeles Anaheim" is an actual city.)

I could go on. But at the end of the day, even I realize the Edmonds signing is a low-risk investment.

Still…

After one game, I can’t seem to break my opinion of him. To be honest, I don’t know what I’m going to do if this works out. I might just have to go back to hating myself.

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The Court of Arbitration for Sport just ruled that my old friend Oscar Pistorius’s prosthetic legs are legal, and he will be allowed to compete at the Olympics.

Click here if you want to see where this started for me.

So, I’ll be “accidentally” losing my feet in a motorcycle accident later this week and replacing them with bouyant 10 inch flippers.  Olympic Trials for swimming isn’t until July.

This is f*cking ridiculous.  I’m livid.  There are NO MUSCLES THERE!!!  There is no possible way that if he’s going fast enough to compete at the Olympics he’s not doing it with less effort there than everyone else!!

Am I taking crazy pills!?

theKerp

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The 2008 NBA Playoffs have redefined the importance of home court advantage, but it was the 1990-91 Chicago Bulls who won a record 15 consecutive home games in the playoffs.

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Click Here To See A Life In Pictures

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There were an average of .54 fights per game during the 2007-2008 NHL regular season.�

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Dear Answer Man,

You have been bashing the Stars for a while now.  How about the game last night?  They came out and got the job done.  When will you start to "believe"?

Jeff

(Richardson- TX)

Jeff, you clearly get beat by your wife so I’ll be gentle on you.  Yeah, the Stars finally won a game against Detroit.  Whoopity-doo!  It was entertaining through and through while being tense at the end with some punching.  Just like sex.  Morrow is a total stud.  I also thought it was cool that the fans were on their feet for most of the 3rd.  I found myself getting into the emotion of the game.  Not sure what caused that because earlier in the day I was bloated and my breasts were sensitive.  Maybe it is alergies.  Who knows?

I saw that the slogan is "believe" for the Stars fans.  Nice try Jerks.  You are just prolonging the inevitable.  You will be crushed like a Cub Fan by the Big Red Machine that is the Detroit Red Wings.

Stars still Suck

-AM-

Answer-Man@stlouisgametime.com

P.S.  I have been bashing the Stars ever since they were ripped out the hands and hearts of North Star fans who I hold dearly.  So suck on that.

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"What are you, afraid you’re gonna break a nail?"

Apparantly, even in Major League Baseball, breaking a fingernail is reason enough not to play.

The Red Sox placed rookie pitcher Clay Buchholz on the 15-day DL due to a broken nail on his right middle finger.

Calls to his manicurist were not returned.

Boston is confident that Buchholz’s cuticles will heal properly and that he won’t need Tammy Jane surgery.

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The evening went on to a 2 hour show of sheer ass kicking and face rocking. Here’s a picture of one of the competitor’s faces getting rocked off:

This proves the theory that there is no escape from a gladiator on a rampage.

Also new this year is a brand new eliminator. This new one brings a whole new level of unnecessary anything to prime time tv. They even had the audacity to add a teeter-totter. No, you read that right… a teeter-totter. But the most important change to the eliminator is the addition of a rope swing into a pool at the end. No more of this wussy-ass braking through foam bricks. Now you have the chance of seeing an exhausted competitor have the chance to drown in the last moment of the show. They even keep scuba divers in the water to rescue you. If they didn’t think there’s a good chance you’ll drown and die, they wouldn’t have Scuba Steve there to rescue you.

Finally onto the hero of the evening, and that hero is none other than the competitor John. John competed with only one leg in a spectacle of maxikickassery, which is a word I just made up and I dedicate to John. This guy finished the eliminator in just barely over 30 seconds longer than it took one of the women, who had no disadvantages. Here’s a picture of John climbing the travelator.

Just look at this next time you’re too lazy to climb off the couch.

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Unfortunately like so many other star, Gary Glitter had a hard time dealing with his fame.  In 1999 Glitter was busted for possession of child pornography and in 2002 he was banned from Cambodia for undisclosed reasons. Currently the artist resides in a Viet Nemeses prison serving a three year sentence for child molestation.

So next time your at the big game and you hear the unforgettable drum intro of “Rock and Roll Part 2” piping over the speakers, take a moment to remember Gary Glitter- the glam rock god (and convicted child molester) whose music continues to inspire us all.

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As a Michigan girl living in New York, I’ve decided to head home for a while. It’s a much better time to be in Detroit right now than in New York. We won’t talk about the abysmal state of Rich Rodriguez’s team this spring… but GO PISTONS! GO WINGS! I’m off to buy some octopi.

After an initial assessment of the team, D’Antoni attempts to hail cab back to Phoenix straight from MSG

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The most goals scored by a single player in a soccer match is 16 by Panagiotis Pontikos of the Olympos Xylofagou in a game in Cyprus’ third division.

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Dear Answer Man,

What gives dude?  I read at TSN.ca that Nonis met with the Maple Leafs yesterday but this was immediately after meeting with the St. Louis Blues in New York.  What the hell is going on?

Mike (Toronto-ON Canada)

Hell yeah Nonis met with the Blues.  The Blues are awesome.  Look, Nonis is the pretiest girl at the dance right now when it comes to hockey executives in the open market.  The Blues have a GM, Larry Pleau.  Not sure how he fits into things with John Davidson calling most of the shots.  Mrs Pleau is battling cancer so that has taken its toll on Larry.  It is a real bummer. 

You see, Brian Burke is the one everyone wants.  Nonis served with Burke in the past.  Anyone who reeks of Burke will get a sniff from a ton of teams.  Nonis is the favorite to take the Toronto gig but there is a good chance Cliff Fletcher stays on until Burke is available. 

It is a lock to get people to sign with the Blues.  Why?  Simple, St. Louis is awesome and contains my neck of the woods.  That is beautifully awesome and sensual North County.  The land of sweet assed Camaros, feathered hair, fanny packs, acid washed jeans, jorts, delicous pork rinds and the Blues practice facility.  The practice facility is actually in a mall too.  How sweet is that?  Check out a Blues practice then go practice my air guitar in the food court.  Life is for sure good.

Would I like Nonis as a GM?  Hell yeah I would.  You see, Larry Pleaue has not invited me to development camp or tryouts in I don’t know how many years.  Nonis would probably give me a shot.  He’s a dude.

-AM-

Answer-Man@stlouisgametime.com

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Thus Brian Urlacher’s ever growing hole grows deeper in Chicago, as his latest comments surrounding his demands for a pay-raise have irked a new demographic in the Windy City.

"Y’know, I don’t think this guy knows a damn thing about chair-making, personally," lamented David Krakowski, a master chair-builder for 16 years and lifelong resident of Chicago’s Morgan Park. "He should stick to forcing rookie running backs into soiling themselves pre-snap."

Urlacher, who is in the midst of a 9 year, $56.5 million dollar contract extention, made his latest inflammatory remarks against master carpenters of specific skills earlier in the week, in attempting to legitimize his requests to once again be the highest paid Bear on the field in 2008. Hanging in the balance is Urlacher’s decision to skip the Bears’ May30-June 1 minicamp and a threat to boycott normal training camp if his requests aren’t met.

While the Mauler of the Midway has some decent financial-speak to back his demands — the NFL salary cap has risen $41 million since his 2003 contract restructuring — chair-builders across the city, as well as Bears management, aren’t budging on their current stance.

"I don’t go around talking sh__ about delivering concussions and cerebral contusions on the gridiron, and he shouldn’t talk sh__ about what I do," said Armando Salazar of west suburban Berwyn. "I mean, they didn’t even break .500 last season. If half of my chairs didn’t support their guaranteed weight of at least 300 lbs., I wouldn’t get a raise, I’d get fired."

So far Bears management hasn’t commented publicly on the contract dispute, but things currently don’t look good for a quick resolution. One thing’s for sure, Urlacher’s recent attitude doesn’t appeal to the Chicago faithful. There’s a lot of chairs in Soldier Field. You don’t have to make them to not sit in them out of principle.

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