I never figured out how airplanes fly (heavy metal +  high altitude), but regardless, I subjected myself to a patented TSA cavity search and boarded my Southwest flight.  I found my way down the aisle and crashed in the first open seat, hoping to get some rest on the short flight.  Unfortunately this was not the case, as I found myself across the aisle from a big, obnoxious redneck guy. In typical redneck fashion, the guy was drinking a beer, crackin jokes across the seats with his buddies, hitting on the flight attendants, and keeping me from sleeping.

     I successfully ignored him and got down to some serious Texas Hold ‘Em on my new iPhone. About two hands into the game, the big man leans over the aisle and stares at my screen.  He stealthily watched for a bit and I pretended to not notice, but something was familiar about him.  Did Stone Cold Steve Austin get fat?  No no, it couldn’t be Stone Cold—this man didn’t spit as much while talking.  It was  David “Boomer” Wells–jocking my iPhone. 

     Perhaps it was my apple shirt, my apple phone or my macbook, but Wells asked ME about how to use his apple iPhone.  I could not refuse the request of a customer…or a 6′4″ 225lb hurler.

     After showing him Hold ‘Em on my phone and then troubleshooting his phone, we shared a beer…kind of.  Wells carefully nursed his expensive Bud Light, while I showed him how easy and cheap it is to have all the virtual Carling’s I wanted.  I loaded up my virtual glass of beer and downed a round with him by tipping the screen towards my mouth. 

     Amused and amazed, Wells quickly took to showing his buddies how easy it was to down a beer without worrying about cost or liver damage.  Alcohol has been known to be a performance enhancer for Wells who once wrote that he threw a perfect game while still a little bit drunk from the previous night.

     Further discussion revealed that Wells was returning home from the American Century Championship, an annual celebrity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe.  Celebrity golf tournaments are an excuse for a bunch of jocks to get together and get paid to be drunk and entertaining for the fans.  Wells was playing behind the pairing of Trent Green and Jay Cutler one day of the tournament, and that pairing was hitting the cooler much more often than the greens.  Not that Wells was doing much better, but, he explained, his practice time was cut short by his attempts to find a place in a Major League rotation.  He boasted he never had a hole worse than a double bogey, and never had a drink that was smaller than a tall boy.

     Wells made it clear he missed being on the mound, and that he felt bad for the guys caught up in the PED scandals.  He mentioned how he liked Barry Bonds as a person, but was just as quick to admit he has never, and would probably never want to share a locker room with the home run champion.  I casually mentioned my license plates put the terms “Bonds” and “MVP” together, and he called that decision ballsy, if not a little stupid.

     You know plastic surgery is getting really good when you can look a man in the face and never know he had his two front teeth knocked out in a bar fight.